


What They Don't Tell You

by FlockOfPigeons



Category: Blaseball (Video Game)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26400829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlockOfPigeons/pseuds/FlockOfPigeons
Summary: Some notes on loss, courtesy of Ziwa Mueller
Kudos: 4
Collections: Canada Moist Talkers Fanfiction





	What They Don't Tell You

There’s so much that they don’t tell you about grief. 

Any time you talk about it, all you hear about is the stages. Like it’s 5,4,3,2,1, Go. You’re okay. 

I’m not fucking okay. 

They don’t tell you about the guilt. That horrid little worm of guilt that curls up in your belly and eats away at you day after day. You can reach acceptance and it just doesn’t die. I know that Ty isn’t coming back. I  _ know  _ that. 

I thought I knew that, before Rich. Before Hobbs. 

I know they’re not… dead. Is dead even the right word anymore? Is Jaylen dead if we’re bringing her back?

Am I selfish for wishing it was Ty instead?

Am I selfish for being angry at the team that took Richmond, even though it wasn’t their choice? Even though they, too, lost a friend?

Am I selfish for wishing Hobbs didn’t go, even though I know - I  _ know  _ \- he had to?

Maybe I was selfish from the beginning. The Garages never break up the band, and yet I wanted a place in it. A place I would have taken from someone else. 

I feel like shit. 

So I do everything I can to try  _ not  _ to feel like shit. I put flowers on graves, write songs like I’m dragging a bow over violin-taut nerve endings. Now, I go and sit as the Leviathan circles above in the dark, in the quiet, in the empty, mourning her losses as I mourn mine. 

Because, yeah, they aren’t dead. But they’re so far away now, and neither of us can protect them any more. 

Why does everyone have to  _ leave me _ ?

Why do I feel guilt for the losses I didn’t cause?

Because I’m still here? Because I wear her ashes, wear a jersey that should have been hers? Was it guilt that brought me here, that put me on a field across the continent from the one that I had always dreamed of?

The thing that scares me the most is that I might be right. I might be guilty, be selfish, be a piece of shit.

But damn it all,  _ I will keep trying. _

To the gods? Fuck you. 

To the past self that couldn’t save anyone? Fuck you. 

Neither of you control me now. 

They’re my family. They’re all I’ve got. 

And if you wanna get to them, you gotta go through me. 

  
  



End file.
